Pauliina FlamGoing through my healing process I met different challenges, just like everyone. I am about to share with you my experience and why healing is hard for me. When you feel anxious, worried, depressed, overwhelmed, and at once tired of how things are – it finally feels like the hard work one must do for their mental health is the only way out. And this is usually a spot-on moment to go through it. Now, exhausted from all the problems you faced before, it is natural to strive for healing, for the good change in you. The thing is, healing is a process, and hard moments, shortcomings, unwillingness, obstacles, and feeling down – are all parts of it. You are so opting for the better that when something of the above strikes you – it is easy to feel discouraged. I am here to share what makes my healing process difficult, and what exactly is hard for me. Maybe it will give direction on what to expect from a healing process. Perhaps it could make someone feel more armed and prepared. Maybe someone will get peer support knowing they are not alone in going through this. Or, possibly, you have no idea what I am writing about, and you are just curious about this topic. Whatever it is, let’s go on this hard-work-mental-health-that-supposed-to-be-easier journey based on my personal experience.
Realizing your issues dominated your life for too long
the journey takes time and mistakes to go through, and all of them are already part of one’s healing journey
When I found out the reasons behind my challenges, it struck me how many years I had been a prisoner of those issues. When one gets tools to handle life more beneficially, suddenly the life before feels like a shadow. And it weighs down on you how long you lived under that shadow—replaying the same traumas, using the same patterns that hurt yourself and others. Realizing, how all the previous relationships, life choices, and communication with loved ones were inflicted by issues you have. Imagine how different a few dozen years could be if one worked on these issues earlier. This is something that pulls into anxious or depressed thoughts even more.
The comforting thought for me is that everything that happened led to this moment. It could not go faster, it went exactly the way it could. In reality, the journey takes time and mistakes to go through, and all of them are already part of one’s healing journey. They don’t feel like that at the moment they are happening, but they are important steps in gaining experience, knowledge, and resilience to face all of it later. We are so quick to get critical of ourselves, to judge things we did not do or did not manage, that we forget the whole hard journey we went through to be where we are now.
Accepting how your mind works
Mental health issues are not linear, they spear and curve, leave you for a while, and then come back, sometimes harder than before
It is even harder to deal with the same issue when it strikes again. Logically thinking, it should be easier: you have more tools to deal with it, you have more knowledge to comprehend it, and you have already gone through it once, so you know it is possible to get through. But the hard part is just accepting that here you are again, battling a thing you thought you already won for good. I believe, there is a goal-oriented way in this approach that creates a problem, thinking “Here is an issue, and when I deal with it it will be gone”. Mental health issues are not linear, they spear and curve, leave you for a while, and then come back, sometimes harder than before. Even if you kicked their butt one time – next time they might kick yours, and then all of the work done previously feels so damn useless. It is natural to feel helplessness and frustration at this point but changing the approach helps deal with it.
If I think of anxiety as a problem that I gotta fix – I might do it, but it will come back. If I think of it as a message I gotta understand – I can learn to live in peace with it
My approach was somewhat black and white: here is a problem, I solve it, mission complete, and everything is fine until the next problem. With mental health issues, it is just not like that. If I think of anxiety as a problem that I gotta fix – I might do it, but it will come back. If I think of it as a message I gotta understand- I can learn to live in peace with it. Anxiety is a bodily reaction that something is not alright. Accepting a symptom as a logical reaction to something is at the core of a change. Things you are prone to are not gonna go away, they are your natural body and mind reactions to specific things. If one concentrates on getting rid of them, one might get very disappointed when they come back. But when one concentrates on getting a toolbox to deal with them every day, one will feel less stressed and more assured. A mate I once met at a mountain hut in Tatras told me that it is just like brushing your teeth: you gotta do that every day to take care of them. You know, I think he is right, it really is like brushing your teeth. It is a care method you gotta learn and keep as part of your life routine, not a problem you should deal with once and it will be gone.
Patterns are stubborn
..knowing a better way is not enough, you gotta practice it
Working on issues, realizing new things, and learning new ways makes you feel like your mind got pumped on these matters. But that still leaves your body to catch up in terms of experience. If the ways we always thought, worked, and communicated were under a dome of symptoms, traumas, or patterns that are hurtful – knowing a better way is not enough – you gotta also practice it. No matter how well you worked with a therapist, and how much you learned about yourself, your life experience will have to catch up with all this. It means you need to practice using new patterns. Your body and mind get used to routines. If unhealthy patterns were your routines for years and years, especially starting from an early age, it is logical, that even with new knowledge your mind can still react in the ways it is used to. So I think realizing, that learning and knowing does not mean you are covered, there is still practice ahead – can be a challenge. For me personally, there is a dissonance in how fast I learn and am ready to fix things, and how long the change in practice really takes. This brings me to my next challenge.
It takes time
Reality is not a battle, it is many battles, but it is also rest, observation, acceptance, practicing new skills, and change, sometimes for good
Healing needs space and takes time. It does not happen as fast as I want it to. Here I am, ready and striving, wired for a battle and getting tools like a ninja. But the reality is not a battle, it is many battles, but it is also rest, observation, acceptance, practicing new skills, and change, sometimes for good. All of that is important for growth and development. Sometimes it is frustrating how much time it takes to get used to new ways or reteach yourself to handle situations differently. It can also be sad how the time and space for healing takes it away from your hobbies or time with your loved ones. But the thing is, you won’t truly enjoy these things if there are big negative feelings you gotta deal with at the moment. If you are not giving time and space for those feelings you are running away from them. And when that happens they usually strike you later with worse symptoms. It helps me when I think that even if now it feels like a time-out from something fun – time and space for healing is the most responsible and caring thing I can do for myself and others.
Stigma and criticism
The moment you decide to be open about going through mental health healing there are all sorts of things you will hear, and many of those will make you feel bad. Battling anxiety I heard things like “You just didn’t sleep well”, “It is probably a magnetic storm”, “just stop worrying”, and “You should not experience anxiety at all, because some other people are having worse lives”. I even heard that anxiety is a made-up thing and does not exist. But above all my personal favorite was: “Just tell me what bothers you and we will fix it!”. Sure, mate, it takes years to figure out with a therapist but for you, I will put it all in one sentence.
Maybe jealousy and striving for help get in the way of accepting that a person coming from better premises can also suffer
I do not think people are saying these things with bad intentions. Sleeping well and magnetic storms are frankly told by people who love me. I think it is easier to accept that I am just tired than that I have a mental health issue. Accepting that would also mean that they will have to deal with consequences, and it is not something we are all happy to go through. “Anxiety does not exist” – was said by a person whose knowledge of mental health is zero, in fact, they might really believe in what they are saying. The blame for being anxious comes from a person whose life is not as fortunate as mine at this moment. Maybe jealousy and striving for help get in the way of accepting that a person coming from better premises can also suffer. We can all say something like that, it is a very human thing to do but none of the above justifies doing so. Saying any of these things is belittling and ignorant towards the problem you are facing.
Shame is always on the way to dealing with the issue itself
Because mental health issues come with a lot of stigma, experiencing them comes with guilt and shame, even without anybody’s comments. As you get a hold of those feelings and then one of those comments strikes – this drags you down the road facing guilt and shame all over again. Shame is always on the way to dealing with the issue itself. So any of those comments drag our progress back and make it harder to deal with a situation.
..you can make someone question their knowledge and beliefs about mental health, and this can end with more compassion
Looking above at all the challenges that make healing hard I see that one can deal with them through knowledge, changing one’s perspective, and speaking up. Why is your healing hard? What are things you can do to make it easier? If you want to share your valuable healing experience it will be appreciated.
